Wishing It Was
by Phi-chama
Summary: Prequel to Fractured Adonis. Quatre muses on his non-relationship with Trowa and comes to a reluctant decision.


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While in the process of going through my junk -- which  
included my ~large~ batch of CDs from my subscription to CMJ -- I  
came across this song "Wishing It Was," a duet by Santana and Eagle  
Eye Cherry. The lyrics below are sort of an abridged version; the  
lyrics I found on the web didn't quite match up with the song itself, so  
I tweaked it a little.  
Ummm... this takes place in the universe I created with  
"Fractured Adonis".... It takes place during the seven-month period  
that Quatre et all were Preventers, but before Quatre left for the  
Mars Terraforming Project. Think of it as a prequel of sorts.  
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WARNINGS: Shounen ai, and lots and lots of angst. *happily waves  
Angst Wand over fic*  
Usual disclaimers apply.  
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Wishing It Was  
by Phi [umezaki@postmark.net | http://aurabuster.net]  
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I like to watch, from afar. It's all I tell myself I can do.  
  
We're sitting together at the table again. Alone, again.  
Keeping my head cast downwards, I raised my gaze to look at him  
discreetly. I'm always so afraid of being caught, like it's some mortal  
sin to be seen watching another man as I do. Perhaps it is.  
  
//Beauty and grace is what touches me most//  
  
He is... unearthly beautiful. Ever since I met him, I cursed  
the heavens for making such a man as he. Was he meant to be my  
punishment, for how I have lived my life? Something I would always  
see and want, but something I could never hope to touch?  
  
I can't help but believe so.  
  
//Good times can put me in fear//  
  
These feelings...  
  
They're wrong. I know they are. Men do not mix with other  
men -- or women and women, for that matter. I had seen the pain my  
sister had gone through when she had admitted her preferences, the  
hatred that met her from all corners. Even from our father. That was  
what had broken her, I think; he never said anything aloud, but the  
disgust and contempt that shone through his eyes had been more  
than mere words. I haven't seen her since. Be well, Eri.  
  
I've watched the history vids, and know the treatment  
people like me have had to endure in the past. It saddens me that  
even in this advanced age their reception hasn't improved much.  
  
So I say nothing.  
  
//I always feel safe when things are bad  
So I cannot let you come near//  
  
As much as I hate myself for admitting it, I had welcomed  
the war as a distraction to take my thoughts off of him. I had never  
enjoyed the fighting, but... I'm not sure that I would have entirely  
objected to it lasting a little longer. And I despise having thought  
such ideas.  
  
Now that the war is over and things are relatively safe, I  
have the perfect opportunity to open myself up to him... to show him  
how deeply I cared... to tell him that I love him....  
  
But something holds me back, every time I open my mouth.  
Was it fear? Fear of rejection, or of humiliation, or of both? I'm not  
sure.  
  
//It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things  
I always feel alive when the death bell rings//  
  
I could feel myself beginning to wish for another war. A  
harsh smile graced my lips at ~that~ particular line of thought. My  
oh my, would you just imagine that -- the male heir of the famed  
pacifist Winner clan has turned a bit bloodthirsty. The world must be  
coming to an end.  
  
This new life of mine... it is too quiet, too uneventful. It  
allows too much time for thinking. Thinking about the present, the  
future... and the past.  
  
//Now you've come and bring out the tears in me//  
  
I remember the time I had finally found him, with Duo's help,   
after the... incident... with Wing Zero. Such a massive feeling of joy  
had flooded my heart at seeing him alive and well that tears had  
sprung to my eyes; the only thing that had kept me from blubbering  
like a complete idiot had been the shock at the intensity of the  
emotion. It was then, I think, that I realized I loved him.  
  
And he hadn't remembered me at all.  
  
//Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does//  
  
The realization had hurt, sharper than I thought was  
physically possible. But even if it had cut a hole in my heart, it had  
dried my tears. I could handle that. I had grown used to being  
unloved. It came with the territory of being a test-tube freak.  
  
When he later regained his memories, those thrice-cursed   
tears had welled up again. Some irrational, naive part of me was  
convinced that ~this~, this moment in time, would be the start of our  
relationship. That fanciful, romantic voice spoke of how not only would  
he remember me, he would suddenly be aware of and return my  
unspoken feelings, and our love would blossom like a wild rose.  
  
I was unbelievably ignorant.  
  
//It's so strange to watch your life walk by  
And wishing it was//  
  
And yet I couldn't let the fantasy die.  
  
Somehow, I kept thinking that every time he looked at me,  
every time he happened to touch me, he would suddenly catch me up  
in his arms and tell me over and over again how much he couldn't live  
without me.  
  
//Wishing it was more like a fantasy  
Everyday surprises me  
Wishing it was//  
  
But I knew he wasn't that type of person. He kept his  
feelings closed so tightly within himself, and it baffled me to no end. I  
wanted a whirlwind romance, a never-ending high, an open show of  
affection and tenderness. The fact that we were both male was  
conveniently forgotten.  
  
I think I've caught hints that perhaps he thought of me as  
more than just a friend; but then, I don't think I know him well enough  
to make that sort of judgement. Yet another reason why I was so  
frustrated. I wanted ~in~ that shell of his, wanted to know what he  
was hiding, but he never let me get that close.  
  
//This feeling won't last cause I cannot survive  
I tell you I've been here before//  
  
I don't think I've ever been in love before, so I don't know  
how to proceed. I wish I had a father like the ones on the vidscreen --   
the kind you can go to for anything, who won't judge you no matter  
who, or what, you turn out to be. My father... wasn't like that.  
Whenever I thought of going to him, talking to him about my...  
problem... I always envisioned that look of disgust I had seen him give  
Eri.  
  
Now... now, it's too late, either way.  
  
//When it's movin so fast  
It's a matter of time  
One of us walks out that door//  
  
It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside, slowly and  
painfully. The hormones of a seventeen-year-old boy are truly  
terrible creatures. My body tells me one thing, while my mind tells me  
another. And my heart... for once, my heart is silent. It is as  
confused as I.  
  
I can't take this torment much longer.  
  
//It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things  
I always feel alive when the death bell rings  
Now you've come and you bring out the tears in me//  
  
Every little thing he does tempts me. So much so that I want   
to cry out in frustration. The way he walks, with unnatural, feline  
grace; his small, rare half-smiles; his calm, soothing, yet unbelievable   
sexy voice -- all this excites my unappeased hormones so badly that I  
could barely stop myself from jumping him every time we were in the  
same room.  
  
I wanted him, with such frightening fervor that I was afraid of   
what I might do if I stayed. That decided, the answer was simple.  
  
I simply had to leave.  
  
//Give this some thought  
And I'm sure you will know//  
  
He hadn't noticed that I was still watching him. My stealth  
had improved. Drawing a somewhat shaky breath, I softly started,  
"Trowa."  
  
He looked up from the Omnicom he had been reading, one  
elegant eyebrow raised in question. That was yet another reason why  
I loved him; why use words when eyebrows would work just as well? I  
couldn't help but smile a little at that, but the curve was tinged with  
sadness. This would probably be the last time I would ever see it.  
  
I forced the smile to become brighter, more cheerful. "What  
do you think of the Mars Terraforming Project?" Inwardly, I cursed  
myself. Why couldn't I just come out and ~say~ it?  
  
He was silent for a minute longer, his eyes flickering back  
and forth slightly, the rest of his face immobile, as he took in my  
expression. I could feel my smile falter a little; even after all this time,  
I still had no idea what he was thinking behind that mask of his.  
  
But I had a feeling he knew what was behind mine.  
  
//This is the way it must be//  
  
"Why do you ask?" He replied finally, gently setting down  
the Omnicom.  
  
My face was beginning to ache from the effort of keeping  
the smile in place. "Well, Relena-san is interested in the project as  
well, and she dropped by the other day and handed me some of the  
plans." After I had asked her to, of course. I paused, to see his  
reaction. He still said nothing, waiting for me to continue.  
  
"It would be nice to do something like that, don't you think?  
Helping to build a new home for people, especially the ones whose  
lives were ruined by the war. Give them a new life on a new planet,  
you know?" I was dangerously close to rambling.  
  
//Emotions will rise, emotions will flow//  
  
He only nodded. "Aa."  
  
I wanted -- needed -- to kiss him so terribly much. A brief  
fantasy of leaping across the table, pinning him against the wall, and  
ravishing his beautiful face with kisses until neither of us could breath  
danced before my eyes. Instead, I lowered my gaze into my glass of  
orange juice and asked quietly, timidly, "What would you say if I told  
you that I was going to help?"  
  
He was silent for a long time... a terribly long time. Finally  
deciding that I could take it no longer, I risked a peek. I was  
surprised to find him staring at me, sharp green eyes narrowed  
slightly and a minute frown on his lips. "You're leaving?"  
  
I nodded, after finding that my voice would not work.  
  
Neither of us said anything more.  
  
//You bring out the tears in me//  
  
I stared out the window of the shuttle that would bring me to   
my new life, aware of the stinging liquid that gathered at the corner of   
my eyes. I laughed to myself, silent and bitter, at the thought of  
these tears. I should have told him that I loved him, and to Hell with  
the consequences.  
  
Dammit. I'm such a coward.  
  
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End file.
